Seeing the light in the dark passage

For about 1/3 of this year, I have been dealing with health issues related to my immune system that I really did not start to get better from until I took my health a bit more seriously. Around mid-October was when I finally started to see the light at the end of the dark passage and I feel as each week passes, I am feeling more and more like my old self. Though, I am not 100% certain I will ever be exactly my old (younger) self again.

A few weeks ago, we drove out to Eastern Oregon to do a photoshoot for new releases and upcoming styles, and I had never really spent that much time out in this nearly barren landscape. And what was there, or lack thereof, really took my breath away. For the first time, in quite a long time, I really felt I could breathe. I felt my mind empty and my heart swell up. These wide-open vistas with golden hills and waving grass and the big blue open sky. It was glorious. And simple.

I knew while driving through these rolling hills, that this feeling I was experiencing, I needed to be close to it and make sure I could access it again when I needed to pull from this restorative space. I think it was the lack of things there that allowed me to feel like I could breathe. Even though we were there for work, the emptiness and wideness of this place was an invitation to let it go. That there are so many, many things that I do not have control of as a mere human being. For me to feel more at peace, it was the realization that I could only do what I could do with the time I have and the knowledge and skills I have possess. And tomorrows are tomorrows, and today is today.

About 2 months ago, I started creating more boundaries around the finite amount of energy I have. This came directly from the fact that due to my health condition, some days I would only have 3 hours of good enough energy to get things done. I would be at the brink of tears sometimes because it was so frustrating for me. Initially, I was really freaking pissed about this. Then, I decided to reframe my thoughts. I get 3 hours of solid energy today, how will I spend it? I started to really think about my time and energy as precious currency and little by little, bit by bit, things bothered me less and less. 

Now, I spend less than 30 minutes a day on social media (usually on average I spend 8-15 mins every day). Though in some ways, this doesn't necessarily help my business as I'm not really engaging either. So, it feels almost like a catch 22. Which I am aware has its repercussions and I suppose I am accepting the consequence. At 9 PM, I log off everything. I turn off all screens. I started doing Tai Chi. I am journaling more regularly again. I'm reading regularly again. I've also been making more homecooked meals and trying new recipes and baking something new every week. I've really been enjoying living a rather ordinary and fulfilling life offline. 

The biggest takeaway I have taken from being in the dark passage seeing the light at the end of it is realizing, the dark passage is part of it and there were things I could learn here. The biggest lesson I learned was to slow down and get to what I can and move steadily along, even if the pace is a bit slower. Enjoy the view, enjoy the ride.