An Unexpected Turn of Events

A few months ago, I was misdiagnosed with a skin condition that turned out to be a bit more serious. Normally I have a lot of energy, I can go and go and go, but one of the rarer side effects of this condition is extreme fatigue that comes in waves. There are mornings I wake up, despite sleeping for 9-10 hours, that I feel so bone tired. There are also days where I experience so much brain fog, I can't even succinctly recall how I got through the end of a workday. The most frustrating thing about all of this (aside from the condition itself which is physically uncomfortable already and looks horrendous) is I am having to learn to adapt to how to function in this world in such a slow way. I am not used to moving slow. To working slow. To navigating the world slowly. I work in an industry that doesn't really embrace slow even though my brand is a slow fashion brand, so by fashion industry standards, it's already operating slowly. And now, I have to go even slower because physically and mentally I just cannot seem to go any faster.

I keep pushing for healing and honestly, I feel like my stubbornness is prolonging the condition, which turns into another cycle of berating myself. I can't help but feel I am disappointing so many people and also disappointing myself. I take deep breaths and tell myself "If you haven't got your health, you can't do any of this, so just slow down, goddamit!" Not very mindful, not very demure. 

Alarmingly, the condition has morphed into a related condition but on my face. Initially, it was contained to mostly my torso, arms, and upper legs, which is pretty easy to hide. My face, not so much. My next step is seeking out a functional medicine doctor and also get checked out as to why & how it evolved into a different (but related) condition. So far, the two doctors I have seen have just told me "to wait it out, it'll burn through your system until it's done."

Meanwhile, I'm just to suffer and feel debilitated by this until who knows when? I am grateful the side effects are not constant, I do have good days, but then if I do too much, the next couple of days I feel completely dragged down. So, another lesson...how to pace myself. I am hoping this isn't my new normal, but there is a small part of me that is almost ready to accept it might be. 

In an ironic way that makes me feel a bit bitter, I recall talking to friends just this Spring about how I wish I could slow down, but I just don't know how to. Wish granted; I suppose. 

So, here I am, having to slow down my already slow fashion label, working with 1/3 (sometimes 1/4) of the energy I once had. Trying to accept the slowness, trying to find gratitude in the things I am still able to do and the things I do accomplish. I don't know if I will embrace having to function this slowly, but I know once I am healed, I'll never take for granted again the capacity of doing I was able to do and to maybe NOT do all of it because I could, but rather to continue to pace myself and take things slower.